I'm on a break in London, where I finally got to meet my blog-partner, Sarah. She had just got back from Cannes, where she organised a paty for Pierre Cardin. A friend of mine Natasha, the life and soul of many Moscow parties and blag artist extraordinaire, was also in Cannes at the same time. She went on a whim. With 500 Euros in her pocket and nowhere to stay. This is her diary.
1. My credit card is about to max out, I've 500 Euros in my pocket minus the 20 Euros for the bottle of vodka at the airport. It sits snugg beside me on the seat, waiting to start a conversation. I'm cold-shouldering it for now, but I feel it wants to tell me something.
The plane is full of Russia's so-called stars. In Moscow they act like gods, but now they are set for two weeks as nobodies. None of their films will ever make it onto a Cannes shortlist, they only make them in Russia because they're prepared to launder money for the gangsters and bureaucrats who run the country, or are happy to appear side by side with the Kremlin wannabes on their political campaigns, glitz-givers to the KGB spooks. I can sense their mood deaden with every air-mile. They seem to grow physically smaller.
Only I don’t care. Lsten, I'm a farmer's daughter from Siberia. When I grew up Cannes was something that happened in a fairy tale land beyond reality. A pair of jeans was a dream. I'd trudge through the snow and sell my soul for a pair of fake Levis. If you told me then that I would go to Cannes I'd have slapped you. Problem is, I don't have anywhere to stay when I arrive.
But still, I have a reputation to maintain here. I make the parties for these soulless pseuds. So I can't let on that I'm skint. And it's my responsibility to make sure they have fun. I improv a party on the plane. We all know this lot will never win anything at Cannes, so I organise a spoof award ceremony- everyone votes for the 'worst' actress, 'worst' costume, 'worst' nose job of the year. The winner downs a huge shot of my wonderful friend, Moskovskaya. All the shit everyone thinks about each other comes out, and everyone loves it. Soon they're all laughing and drunk. When we land, a producer friend offers to continue the party at his place. It turns out to be a massive suite. He insists I stay there, he knows if I'm there his place will become the centre of all the Russian's fun. Accomodation problem solved. I tell him that to get everyone to hang out at his parties, I'll need the right transport. He lends me his Porsche. I'm as skint as I was this morning, but now I've got transport too. All for being the life and soul of the party. Thank you Moskovskaya, thank you.
2. Cannes: sea, cherry blossom and….herring? The first party we go to is on a boat. It's a Russian party (groan!), all caviar and herring and bad vodka. All the Russian set stand around, not knowing how to behave. They always ape the way they see glamorous people in commercials. So they pose as if they're on a Martini Ad set. But Martini Ads don't give you any lines, or any character development. So they just pose for a camera that isn't there, not knowing what to do with themselves. We're the only people prepared to have fun. I get offered to be in a Busheron Konstantin shoot the next day. I agree if they can get me red-carpet tickets.
A storm breaks out, and a huge wave nearly knocks everyone over. That's the most fun to be had here. So we drive up to Duck-Up, to Bruce Willis' party. I ask Bruce: 'You're a superstar, could you get them to pour me a Mojito quicker.' 'I live here,' says Bruce, ' and it takes ages for me to get served. And they make it lousy.'
3. The next day it’s the Busheron shoot. They stuff me full of diamonds and get me to walk around town while they photo. Passers by start photoing too, thinking I’m a star. Things are going just fine. But then it turns out the red-carpet tickets were a big fib. They take the diamonds away, and I’m left ticket-less and diamond-less. So I go to the red carpet entrance, attach myself to a bunch of beautiful people, keep my head high and walk through. I make it down the red-carpet ok, but when we get to the next entrance you need tickets. So I turn back. But when I walk back down, there’s no room to leave. So I u-turn again, and go back up the red carpet. Up and down, up and down. No way out either side. In the end the bodyguards start approaching me, I push my way through and away.
3. Cannes is full of arsholes up on themselves. The bodyguards, the PR people, the agents. All puffed and awful. But if you just go up and talk to the stars without being awe-inspred, you’ll find they’re, well, nice. All the grief I got was from nobodies. Vincent Cassell, Tim Roth, Tim Burton were happy having a drink and listening to my stories about childhood in Siberia. Pedro Almadovar told me he wanted shoot me for a role. You don’t need any passes, any tickets. Just be your normal, over-confident, brash self. And you’ll be fine. Act like a star, and the stars will accept you as one of their own. As for the bodyguard who threw my camera into the pool when I was trying to photograph myself with Alicia Silverstone at the DG party- you’re a dead man. And the other bodyguard who wouldn’t let me in for two hours to the Sony gig- I bet your cock’s small. And the bodyguard who threw me out of the WB party after I had nearly persuaded everyone there I was Abramovich’s Wife- I’ll see you in hell. I hope you’ve all head of the Russian Mafia. They know where you live.
4. It all comes good on the night though. The Bousheron shoot went well, and now Chopard offer me to wear their glittery things until the end of the festival. They sponsor the event, so now I’m all ticketed up too. An old music producer I knew in Paris sees me. He wrote me off as a singer years ago- but when he sees me in my red-carpet-diamond-bodyguard glory he thinks he must have a terrible mistake, now I’m a star and he’s just some avant-garde freak trying to blag a red-carpet pass. He offers me to sing at the Techinicart concert. I insist on 10 000. The gimp agrees! I’m a lousy a singer as I was when I was busking in Paris ten years ago, but who cares, now he thinks I’m a goddess (I had to help the poor little thing with a red-carpet ticket, poor dear).
So there. That was me at Cannes. I head back to Moscow, 10 000 grand up on when I left. Which means I won’t be thrown out of my flat for a another few months. Instead of the Moskovskaya I go to the Kristall counter at Duty Free. Then I change my mind and go back to the Moskovskaya. You should be loyal to old friends. But this time I buy a two litre bottle.